That moment it hits you!

This is the first time I’ve not deleted this sentence……. because I just don’t know how to say it.

About 2 hours ago I went for a run…..

2 hours ago I was ready to just cave in, give up, admit defeat and just accept it and disappear into the abyss of sheep, heads down, trudging to work everyday to moan about the place they spend 8 hours a day, like there’s no choice.

1.5 hours ago, I was annoyed, angry, upset and a load of other stuff that just can’t be put into words!

30 minutes ago, I looked at my son and then all of those emotions turned to just 1……. DEFIANCE!

10 minutes ago I sat down to write this.

4 years ago i decided that this photography thing could be more, so I started…. 5 years of grind, hard work, shit hours and shit pay trying to make something from nothing. More than one occasion I’ve thought, “balls to it”, hitting bottom and thinking it’s just not worth it, give up. People under cutting you, getting passed over for the lesser man offering the freebie or the impossibly low cost you can’t compete with, family struggling for money, some how always smiling and being the joker, helping others without question,  but how long can the mask stay on…..

Then I realised, it’s not a mask, this is me, I am the joker, naturally I’m good natured and happy and only when you hear certain words does it put me out of my groove, this was early……….. but this is now!

Someone sent me this video a while ago and its good:

Gets you thinking, until the next video comes along, but it’s true and my moment came earlier as my legs were screaming in pain from running too hard and too fast and as I got closer to my house, i turned right instead of left, I made a conscious effort to NOT go home and rest, but to do one last circuit of what I’d just ran, this time harder and faster,  if I walked, that was me done, If I didn’t, well, one last act of defiance, I’m not ready to lift my feet and be washed away, see you under cutting, see you giving away a substandard effort of MY trade and making it hard work for those trying to remain professional and earn a living, well no, FUCK YOU!!!  this is my last push, my D-Day, it works or it doesn’t, very shortly I’ll know and either it’ll be songs and cheers or it’ll be the end of an era and the beginning of a new one…. 

Stick it to the man!!

 

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